forget me. leave me. love me. inspire me.

the time was for him to go
the moment in which for him to grow
the true reasons he would only know
the true feelings he never did show

he's leaving the life that he knew so
maybe someday they will soon follow
like burst balloons, after you blow
like moments, when you see falling snow

the light from his eyes started to glow
the streaks of tears started to flow
the grounds wet from the trail below
the sobs making it an indistinguishable no

i held in my hands, the book that started it all. the wild desires and the yearning and also the male insecurities in which faltered me into becoming the person i could have been. the fluorescent light cast a shadow as i unwrapped it from its plastic covering, hoping that its evils may not influence anyone else but me. the wind from the fan at the far east corner of the room tried as much to let fly the cover, pushing me to start reading the book. but it failed miserably. i grasped the paperback as firmly as i could, without damaging the cover or the spine. it should remain flawless as how it was before the unwrapping. the soft red marks on the cover gave the monochromatic stance a glimmer of hope. and yet, red signified danger whilst embracing love. perhaps i tried too hard in establishing the need for answers to everything. i sighed. steeling myself, i looked at the synopsis on the back cover. a tragic love story. more like an irony. why does every love story need to be tragic. no one needs to die, no one needs to get hurt, but most importantly no one has to cry. that's a dystopian thought in a utopian world right there. we cannot have one without the other. although the blind never knew light from the darkness, perhaps only the rules apply to the less fortunate to know that difference. if only life were that simple. i cast the book onto the bedside table, gently reminding myself that today was not the day to read and mourn. maybe tomorrow would be a better day. after all, i wrote it.

time does not stop for you or me
time rarely blinks when it flinches
time does not care whether you cry or laugh
time just moves forward, never back

time was there when your heart skipped a beat
time was there when you were born
time was there for your first kiss and heartbreak
time was there to heal your wounds

time cannot be cheated by turning back the clock
time cannot be fastforwarded on a remote control
time could be paused only in memory
time could be everlasting that way

time to share with the world your ideas
time to grip those dreams before they slip away
time to tell the ones you love how you truly feel
time to move on from a broken past

time swept me over and brought me to you
time gave me moments to miss you again and again
time also made me forget the bad times we had
time gave me good memories that last forever

time showed who our real friends were
time showed the truth separated from the lies
time showed feelings from anger to joy
time showed possibilities are endless

time is never the past, present or future
time moves before you can hold it close
time slips away before you know it
time will move on before you do

so it started out that i am a girl. i figured that i needed to be a real slut. so, arriving at the camp was no big deal at first, so i changed into my underwear, and only god knows why, ross came up to me and asked whether we could go somewhere quiet. and so we did. that's how we had sex and i lost my virginity.

he kept insisting on a ring, but i was being adamant that i needed to sleep around more. and that itself was an uphill task, seeing some folks being all mommies' boys, and conservative and all that like. so i did sleep around, with ted and karen and some names i could never remember. the first time ted and i did it after we got married, he got me pregnant with bert. bert's a nice kid, but i had to leave him for a while when i had a few errands to run and i had to leave it to ted to be the strong one for both our sakes. i kept the money coming in and we were happy. for a while.

then i met this guy. we fell in love. and so we got married in another town, and had andrew. but he also broke my heart and left me all alone in the beautiful house right smack in the countryside. i missed ted and bert so i went to see them. ted welcomed me back with a gift, despite knowing about the other guy (whose name i forgot) and all the numerous other men and women i've slept with. and so, things were back to being normal, until i had to leave again. for 10 years.

bert was scared when he saw me for the first time. it was nice at first to see your son all grown up. then it became really irritating that he wants to be like me, and venture out in the open and not be like his dad. whenever i was back in town, he would follow me around and asking all sorts of incessant questions that begs me to ask myself a few things.

a few days later, ted asked for a divorce. two divorces and no news about my two kids. last i heard, ted died, so bert was sent to child custody, but all this time i wondered how did andrew get along. but what still amazes me was that i had a third kid and i didn't know anything about him or her.

in the end, elvira grey fell in love with me, and so we married. i love her and she loves me. now i wonder how long this marriage will last.

*edit. anyway i left out two facts. elvira is a reanimated zombie and i contracted stds while sleeping around without protection. so remember, always protect yourself. :D

it's amazing how many things you can accomplish when you're not doing anything.

it's amazing how much you try to shut the world out, no one hears your internal grief.

it's amazing how much you cry, you managed to cry less from the previous time.

it's amazing how many answers you want to know to, but it always depends on the questions you ask.

it's amazing how people just appear in your life, and disappear from it altogether.

it's amazing how a single word can inspire people, but they exist in their own time.

it's amazing how much you want to escape your own world, but always find yourself in the mess of someone else's story.

it's amazing how love exists in the midst of all the anger, pain and suffering.

it's amazing how they realised the world is in actual fact black and white, but all we see are shades of gray and colour.

it's amazing how much people think and do, but never hope to achieve.

it's amazing how dreams push people to their limits, but dreaming itself is limitless.

it's amazing how a story can bring emotions to your life, and yet numb you from your close ones.

it's amazing how people wish for greener pastures, and realise they miss home the most.

it's amazing how greed and envy can envelope people into darker desires, but it also spurs them on from a normal life.

it's amazing how a normal life seems so abnormal when you compare it to the rest of the world.

it's amazing how people get all the luck in the world and still end up being the biggest loser.

it's amazing how i wish i could write more, but it's time to be continued...

hear me now, where my words are riddled with lies
for it is disgusted with forsaken half-truths
within which your clever deceit moved my heart
once before within an inch of my life

hear me now, where my eyes shed no tears
bounded by its ability to see the truth
moisture will only darken and blind
far from giving the life that it should

hear me now, where my body feels no pain
numbed by your warmth as you grasp me
like a python to its unwary prey
with its life disappearing with each breath

hear me now, as i stand apart from thee
away from the wars of our past
towards a land of never-ending hope
forging a new life without the one i truly love

we did not care which movie it was or where we were. we completely rearranged every single thing in the room, as though we owned the place. the sofa was not very comfortable but you made every single moment worthwhile. we kept our distances at first, not knowing why we were there, as innocent as we hoped to me and prayed hard that we were. it did not occur to us someone was watching or that we were in an enclosed public space. we owned the room and for that few moments nothing could deter us from our place.

i held your hand. you held mine. it was amazing that everything fit perfectly. you brushed your hair aside and i gazed upon those eyes i fell in love with the very first time i met you. and then you smiled. and everything else in the world was forgotten. you drew your breath closer to mine. your lips touched mine. and so it began the disastrous relationship we have come to love.

you wept the first time we made love. i held you near and tried to comfort you but it was too late. a moment of passion ended with a moment of regret. the calls started to be brief. the silences more awkward. the touches went weary. the kisses less passionate than the first. but your smile remained.

the day our son was born, you cried again. only the second time in my life i have seen you cry. again, i fell short of asking you why. we gave him a name you have always adored but secretly i knew it was the name of the boy you lost many years ago before you met me. i did not know the details of that relationship, only that he died in a car accident bringing flowers to you on your birthday.

i knew i could never replace him. every day was a routine for me. the only thing that kept me going was that smile when you held our baby close to you and made sure nothing untoward happens to him. i would smile back and act out my role as a father and husband. but never willingly.

the last time i saw you cry, was the day i left. there were no goodbyes and no kisses. just the sound of the key turning in the lock and the lift door closing behind me. as i stepped out of the building i have come to call home, tears started falling down my cheeks and finally i asked why.

i think when people lie to the ones they love, they enter a timewarp and forget that the incident ever happened. it feels as if the lie wasn't a huge thing. it feels as if the person too didn't mean anything.

i told myself i needed to push forward and grow up. and yet your lies have thwarted all that i've achieved so far in my life.

i wished you never existed. i wished you never were in my life. i wished i didn't call you girlfriend.

and all that from a chronic liar.